At the end of February 2017, I had a blood draw to check progesterone as I had the last 4 months. A couple of days later her nurse called with the same results as I had the previous months. The only thing different about this call, was that my doctor wanted to see me the following week.

The day that I went to see her was cycle day 31. My cycles are longer than the typical 28 days. Mine can run anywhere from 31-35 days long. With all this tracking, I had become a pro at predicting what day my monthly friend would come.

Cycle day 32 – that number and I had a love/hate relationship. Nope, I’m being honest with this blog, I HATED when I would get to this day.

Before going to see my doctor last year, I did take a pregnancy test or two. It was so much of a disappointment and brought me down – that I refused to take anymore. I would endure the 2 week wait, keep my fingers crossed, pray, attend the temple, read, write and whatever else I could do to fill the time.

If you haven’t struggled with infertility, each month is such a high then low. You start out the month – PUMPED! THIS is going to be OUR month! Then, there is the planning – starting at cycle day 10 – 20 you are doing your business every other day. This becomes not the fun part anymore because you both are on a mission! And after 2 years and a couple of months it felt more like mission impossible.

Every. Single. Month – I experienced pain, sorrow, feelings of inadequacy, and that I was a bad wife. I’m feeling exposed as I write this, but I know that I’ve prayed about it and need to share this.

I can’t tell you how many times I had nightmares that David would leave me because I couldn’t give him children (yet). Or how completely and utterly broken I felt when my dad passed away in April of 2016 and I hadn’t given him what he always talked about and asked me about – grandchildren from David and I.

This quote sums up perfectly what each month was like.

Pick yourself up and do it all over again. I’d have to say that I’m becoming a pro at this, and if it was an Olympic sport – I’d have gold for sure!

I’m not one to show my sadness to people around me. The world has enough negative going on, I don’t want to add to it. So I’ve mastered smiling and saying, “I’m fabulous!”. I do have a few close friends who can look me straight in the eye and call pooh when I say that. These friends, you know who you are, I love more than anything!

Anyone a fan of rollercoasters? Fast, suspenseful, exhilarating, thrilling – pretty much what generally people think of when thinking of these thrill rides.

Ummm – Not me!                                                Not. A. Fan. At. All!

I don’t want to ride them, or talk about riding them, serious panic comes over me when I do. This is exactly how the past almost 3 years have been like. To be honest, being on this emotional/physical rollercoaster had me down in the dumps.

To help with these feelings, I joined several Facebook groups about infertility and felt the love from other women who I had never met. They exchanged old wives’ tales, what was working for them, what didn’t work, what they believed got their positive test, etc.

There was only one old wives’ tale that I do – you know the one about throwing salt over your left shoulder if you spill it? Don’t roll your eyes :), I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. – Ok roll your eyes, because when you look up why a person would do that, it’s silly.

Ok sooooo I may have jumped on the infertility old wives’ tale band wagon. I’ll admit it, I read a bunch of forums and thought it sounded intriguing enough to try. I mean, why not? What did I have to lose? Nothing – but had everything to gain!

I bet you are looking at this picture and thinking – “What in the world?!”. When I took it, I will be honest, I did too. Let me explain though before you roll your eyes again! 🙂

The pomegranate juice is rich in antioxidants and supposedly is to boost fertility by increasing blood flow to the uterus. It should be consumed each day of your cycle. The pineapple, well the core of the pineapple, is to be eaten for 5 days after ovulation. The core contains Bromelain, which reduces inflammation and is supposed to improve uterine lining and help with making that baby stick! The Mucinex, since it’s an expectorant it helps thin any mucus in your body. This stuff just isn’t for your lungs! 🙂 I will say that I only did that for one month. I tend to get side tracked easily and the month after trying this we went to the specialist.

FINALLY getting to the reason for this post – Oops, sorry 🙂

When we went to see my doctor in March of 2017, going into the appointment I had butterflies and was nervous. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about, but was hoping for something positive – no pun intended 🙂

I was at cycle day 31, even though I hadn’t started yet, I felt as though this wasn’t our month. The nurse asked me if I had started and I quickly said no. She then wanted me to take a test, instead of saying no like I was being prompted too, I went ahead and did it anyway. I don’t know why I felt so crushed when my doctor said it was negative. I pretty much knew it was going to be.

She did a summary of all the tests that we had, and then she said those two words that no couple wants to hear – “Unexplained infertility”. When she diagnosed us with this, I held it together in her office.  It was a necessity that I did because I had a billion questions!

I asked questions about my weight and if my CES were factors in why we were not getting positive results or the unexplained infertility. She ensured us that neither of them had an impact on this diagnosis. She said that she didn’t want to waste any more time and wanted us to schedule an appointment with a specialist in Cincinnati. We got the information from the front desk and was on our way.

When we got to the car – I couldn’t wait. Before we even put a seatbelt on, I called Institute for Reproductive Health to schedule an appointment. Once I hung up the phone after leaving the appropriate message, the diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I felt so many emotions from sadness, guilt, depression, and downright angry with a side of bitter! I questioned a lot of things that have happened in my life and cried…a lot.

The one thing that I haven’t questioned is why.

Why is this happening to us?

Why do we need to endure this trial?

Why must I go through this after being diagnosed with CES in 2011.

Heavenly Father has a plan for David and I and we are going to remain strong, faithful and positive.

My faith is the center of my life. As I write more about our journey, you’ll see that I lean more and more on Heavenly Father and His guidance. I hope that you’ll continue with us.

The next post will be about our first visit to the infertility specialist.

Until then,

Leah